The L-Word I'll Never Say

Are we afraid of asking for what really matters?  I think we are.  But in an attempt to NOT generalize (which is harder than it seems) I’ll change my answer for ‘Yes, I am.’  I’ve got no qualms about arguing/asking/demanding for silly little things that wouldn’t even make a blimp on the grand scale of things, but whenever I really really want something, I turn into an all 18^th century-quiety-modest-wallflowery lady.  Please ignore the grammatically incorrect form of the previous statement. 

            I mean, if I want ridiculously expensive, impractical high heels, I find a way around my broke-student status and I buy them.  If I want to not lose contact with an old friend, I write to him inappropriately long messages so he won’t have any choice but answer and remember me.  If I want to wear… anyway, you get the picture. 

But when I really really like a guy (we’re so not ready for the L-word) I get all defensive and try to minimize everything I feel for said guy.  I turn into this person I don’t even know and don’t really like and I play the “friendship” card a bit too much, which is why most of the times, I end up “one of the guys”.  So if I’m really friendly with you, act like nothing you say or do faze me but still giggle awkwardly around you chances are I like you.  And if I throw in a couple of playful insults or roll my eyes at you, chances are, I really, really, but really like you.  God forbid I should act on my feelings and pursue that guy.  Hell would sooner freeze over (although, technically, if Dante was right, the inner circles of Hell are already frozen).  And I know, modern times and all, female empowerment is all the rage and I should so make the first move, but…  I never had to do it in the past and I’m too afraid to do it now.  It was way easier when we were younger and used to throw around the word Love carelessly. 

I don’t like to invest myself fully when it’s about something that really matters to me, because then I’ve got a lot to lose.  I’m a scared coward.  But sometimes I force myself to do it… guess that’s how I got into med school.  But really, I’ve got this weird tendency to pull back whenever things are getting serious.  Just ask my ex boyfriends.  But I'm working on it and I promise, my next relationship, I won't coward away.  I'll talk things through and won't run away when things get complicated.  I mean, it's about time I grow up, right?           

The more you try, the more you fail.  The more you try, the more you succeed.  I guess it’s all a balancing act.  Shame I’ve always sucked at it.   

Mag’s Guide on How to Let a Guy Know You Like Him (follow only if you want to ruin your chances at an healthy relationship)

1.     Don’t be afraid to roll your eyes at him.

2.     See him often and never hint at anything remotely romantic.

3.     Mock everything related to love in front of him.

4.     Talk about HIS lovelife (but only if you’re emotionally strong enough to bare it…I’m not)

5.     Give him relationship advices (but see rule #4)

6.     Never tell him about your feelings. 

So there it is…  Six simple steps to achieve complete misery. 

            Misery can be good.  You know what they say: misery loves company.