The ABC of Life As I Know It

Let me see: 

Friendship: Great. P is always there to hear about my pathetic little stories.  C is there with me every step of the way.  And not just because I'm forcing her.  M always offers her expertise, even when she's no expert. Which is great.  G and Ku are showering me with unwavering support. E is just amazing. K is a huge factor in my sanity. S is...good for my emotional health. Mx is willing to go buy bagels in the middle of the night with me.

Love: Disaster.  What's up with Love anyway?  Honestly, subtlety is not appropriate for me.   I'm too slow for it.  Just tell me frankly or else we'll still be there ten years from now.  Really I lack the smart gene when it's about love.  Psychology, Chemistry, Maths... or even Physics, no problem, I'll ace it.  Love?  EPIC FAIL.

Family: I love my family and my family loves me.  The rest is too fragile to talk about.

Academics: If I can convince my friends to go to the same college I'm going to, it will be perfect.  So far, it's a good thing I gave up law and went for medicine, because I suck at convincing people to think like me.

Job:  Good.  

Life is too simple.  It complicates everything.

Am I a Geek If I can't Even Geek-Up My Printer?

Well, I survived my week of hellish stress, only to be brought to my knees by some piece of plastic and ink, namely, my printer.  I've got this amazingly modern printer, designed to print the most amazing pictures, but for the life of me, I can't make it work.  I wonder if I could find a Printer for Dummies somewhere?  

I should have been born in the 18th century, or whenever it was that electricity was a novelty.  I can't even change my bulblight (but to be fair, it's not technological limits...more of a... height limit), going shopping for a new computer gives me the chills and ... I have no idea how I'm gonna handle my new Iphone.  My dad was all happy to offer me one (probably because he'll get my ipod) but honestly... unless there is the app 'iphone for dummies' I'm sure the wonders of the Apple phone will be lost on me.  I'd like to be technology-savvy but... whenever God handed that particular talent, I was probably in line for the clumsiness gene. 

As for the computer... My ibook is now five years old, which in computer years is about a gazillion years old. At least, that's what I've learned from my friends, who can't help but wonder how it is that my mac is still up and running.  I even have a friend who "offered" to throw it out the window so I could get a new one.

So beware, Apple sale assistants.  I'm coming and chances are, you will be earning your salary today. 

Equations of Life

Why is it that whenever one aspect of your life can't get any better, another inevitably takes a downfall? Is this some sort of screwed equation, or even better, some universal rule? Seriously...

Job? Good.
Studies? Great.
Friends? Even better.
Family? The world is falling apart.

It's been a hell of a wake-up call. It was sort of easy to forget for a while and pretend everything was fine, or at least getting better. But now I'm forced to go back home because my father can't deal all alone with my mother's illness. And while her being sick is always in the back of my head, seeing her makes it all the more real. I can't NOT see how skinny she's gotten and how weak she's getting.

What do we do when hope is all we've got and it's not enough anymore?

As bad as the situation is, it made me realize how great my friends are. Rallying around me, offering to go pray for my mom, making sure I always have someone to listen to me... without me having to ask. It means the world to me and it makes me love them even more. Thank you.

The L-Word I'll Never Say

Are we afraid of asking for what really matters?  I think we are.  But in an attempt to NOT generalize (which is harder than it seems) I’ll change my answer for ‘Yes, I am.’  I’ve got no qualms about arguing/asking/demanding for silly little things that wouldn’t even make a blimp on the grand scale of things, but whenever I really really want something, I turn into an all 18^th century-quiety-modest-wallflowery lady.  Please ignore the grammatically incorrect form of the previous statement. 

            I mean, if I want ridiculously expensive, impractical high heels, I find a way around my broke-student status and I buy them.  If I want to not lose contact with an old friend, I write to him inappropriately long messages so he won’t have any choice but answer and remember me.  If I want to wear… anyway, you get the picture. 

But when I really really like a guy (we’re so not ready for the L-word) I get all defensive and try to minimize everything I feel for said guy.  I turn into this person I don’t even know and don’t really like and I play the “friendship” card a bit too much, which is why most of the times, I end up “one of the guys”.  So if I’m really friendly with you, act like nothing you say or do faze me but still giggle awkwardly around you chances are I like you.  And if I throw in a couple of playful insults or roll my eyes at you, chances are, I really, really, but really like you.  God forbid I should act on my feelings and pursue that guy.  Hell would sooner freeze over (although, technically, if Dante was right, the inner circles of Hell are already frozen).  And I know, modern times and all, female empowerment is all the rage and I should so make the first move, but…  I never had to do it in the past and I’m too afraid to do it now.  It was way easier when we were younger and used to throw around the word Love carelessly. 

I don’t like to invest myself fully when it’s about something that really matters to me, because then I’ve got a lot to lose.  I’m a scared coward.  But sometimes I force myself to do it… guess that’s how I got into med school.  But really, I’ve got this weird tendency to pull back whenever things are getting serious.  Just ask my ex boyfriends.  But I'm working on it and I promise, my next relationship, I won't coward away.  I'll talk things through and won't run away when things get complicated.  I mean, it's about time I grow up, right?           

The more you try, the more you fail.  The more you try, the more you succeed.  I guess it’s all a balancing act.  Shame I’ve always sucked at it.   

Mag’s Guide on How to Let a Guy Know You Like Him (follow only if you want to ruin your chances at an healthy relationship)

1.     Don’t be afraid to roll your eyes at him.

2.     See him often and never hint at anything remotely romantic.

3.     Mock everything related to love in front of him.

4.     Talk about HIS lovelife (but only if you’re emotionally strong enough to bare it…I’m not)

5.     Give him relationship advices (but see rule #4)

6.     Never tell him about your feelings. 

So there it is…  Six simple steps to achieve complete misery. 

            Misery can be good.  You know what they say: misery loves company.   

Things I learned

1. The end of the world has happened.

2. But the world still turn on itself.

3. Life will go on.

4. It's the wrong kind of fear, and the right kind of courage.

5. I'm avoiding the unavoidable.

I don't feel like trying to be witty or something today. Because it takes everything I have to just survive being myself today. Point of the day: I FUCKING HATE CANCER.

It's spelled H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S C-A-S-E

I should throw myself out of a window, hope I survive the fall so I can drown myself in the park's pond.  That's how sick of myself I am.  I've spent 20 years living with me and so far, minus the occasional feud, I had no problems with the-girl-named-me, but lately, she's been very difficult to live with.  And I don't know how friends like P or M, for instance, can still bare to talk to me, to listen to me and I really don't get how they can say things like "no no, I'm still listening, you're not bothering me." in a very sincere and heartfelt way.  They're better people than I could ever hope to be, for sure.  So ok, maybe God made me an effing mess of a girl, but at least, he gave me some effing amazing friends.  

So to those friends, I'm sorry I'm such a mess but at least I'm entertaining. No need for tv, I'm a tv-show all by myself.  And maybe one day I'll grow a backbone and be able to reveal this BIG DARK DEEP secret of mine and my friends won't have to hear my "why can't I just say it", and my "Why am I such a coward" and my "Arghh I'm hungry, let's go eat something.".  

On a brighter side, I almost got killed by a ring today.  And by ring, yes, I mean the small, tiny and delicate thing you put on a finger.  I also caused a major electrical breakdown.  Sometimes I wonder how these things happen to me.  And I'm thinking 'surely there must be a limit to the number of stupid things I can do' and so far, I haven't reached it. So I'm pretty sure that limit is non existent.  I should start investing in a good life insurance policy.  Anyone knows one?

Agonizing Over the Smallest Things Is Always a Good Thing, Isn't It?

P: You should just be honest, and tell him.
Me: And then run to Ireland and never come back.
P: Errr...

P is a wise wise man. And he actually knows what he's talking about. So I can't even have the satisfaction of telling him 'It's easy to say, but it's not easy to do'. He's right, I know it, and he knows it. But of course, unlike me, he's too nice to rub it in my face. And regarding this situation, he should rub it in my face, considering I pushed and pushed him to be honest with his feelings in the past. So....I guess karma's a bitch.

So sorry P, you're great at giving me advices but I should probably tell you that every time I ask for advices, it's because I already know what I'm supposed to do (were I a sensible and pragmatic person, which I'm not ....anymore) but I just don't want to do it. Or I'm too scared to do it. I'd like to be fearless sometimes, but then I'd probably end up destroying the world or something like that.

One thing is weird: I've got the most amazing (female) friends ever, but whenever it comes to my lovelife, I automatically go to my guy friends (except for Sofie-M). Wonder why? Because it's obvious most of the time, they're as clueless as I am....which I guess is part of the fun. Thanks guys.