And So, Thank You

As every self-respecting human being, I blame everything and anything but the real culprit.  But tonight, I am at loss because I believe there is no one, nothing to blame but a matter of circumstances.  Or really, really, bad karma.  How else could I explain (beside my scholar upbringing in sciences) the fact that I find myself with more experience in drawing perfectly accurate heart diagrams than having healthy relationships?  When it comes to my love life, only one thing is sure: it’s certainly uncertain.     

But that’s all old news, and tonight we shall focus on something a little more up-to-date.  Love relationships are fun to brag/lament/torture yourself about, but there will be plenty of time for that later.  Right now friendship is what is on my mind.  I’m split between complete and utter elation and ill-placed guilt at the moment.  A dichotomy which only serves to emphasize the chaos my life has become lately.  Is it possible to be completely happy when your friends aren’t?  Since when has happy begun to mean selfish?

I can’t help but feel guilty because I got something I didn’t even really want while someone I care about didn’t, when he certainly wanted it more than I did.  I know it’s not as if I took it away from him but I find it hard to be happy about it.  The worse thing is, my friend is such a sweetheart about it, never ever trying to make me feel guilty or never resenting me.  No bitterness, only sheer, unwavering support.  Genuine support.  And I know this will make me sound like such a bitch, but here’s the awful truth: I kind of envy him.  I envy his ability to be such a great person.  He doesn’t even seem to be trying, he just is.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an awful person (at least I don’t think so but maybe I’m just delusional and people around me are all ‘what a bitch she is’) but there are times when my internal thoughts make me worry about my decency as a human being.  Maybe it’s the case for everybody and the only thing that separates us from awful jerks is whether or not we act on those terrible thoughts. 

Anyway, I guess I should fight my natural instincts and not overthink this issue.  Why do I always try to find something to torture myself over?  I mean, it’s completely natural to find me sputtering dramatic quotes that are spurred on by what is obviously sugar-induced insanity.  Really, I shouldn’t even bother to pretend to try to attempt to demonstrate normal behaviour.   I’ve got amazing friends and let’s leave it at that.  So, thank you. 

Thank you Caro, for being the maturity to my insanity.  For always being such a comforting force, and for never giving up on me, even though you’ve seen me at my worse.  Your friendship has been a safety haven for me and thanks for all the pre-anthropology donuts.  Your door is always open for me, both figuratively and literally, and I can’t believe you’re still my friend after everything you’ve seen and heard from me.  I hope you’ve realized the insanity will only get worse and… you know you can do better, right? :P  I’ll miss you.    

Thank you Mariame, for being willing to join me on my silliest quests and for listening to my every (stupid) worries and (many) love troubles.  Your insight on the most complicated stories has helped me deal with my chaotic life and the many faces you make are the most entertaining thing ever.  I love that we can talk about a lot of things, whether they’re deep, serious issues, or completely random and pointless stupidities.       

Thank you Manue, for being my friend, even after all those years: 19 years is a long time.  You’ve got such a big heart and I feel blessed to be your friend because I know you’ll always be there for me.  You’re always worrying about the people you care about and despite your heartbreaking losses, you’re still able to open your heart, which is something I really admire.  Love you, can’t wait to see you soon. 

 Thank you Nathie, for being the closest thing to a shrink I’ve ever had.  You’ve seen me at my worse, and you’ve seen me at my craziest.  You were there for my insane midnight speeches, for my “délires de française” and you’re the one person I’ve told all my darkest secrets.  I’m never afraid to tell you everything because you’re too kind to mock me, even though I deserve it most of the time.  I miss you and I’ve got one thing to tell you: MARACASSSSSSSSS. You know what that means.

 Thank you Paul for inspiring this post and for being… there.  I can always count on you to listen to my stupid problems and I’ve come to rely on you a great deal.  You’re braver than I could ever be and yet you never seem to judge me or all the stupid things I tell you.  You always know how to make me laugh and you don’t seem to mind the out-of-nowhere-things I tell you and if you had a dollar every time I say ‘I’m hungry’, you’d be rich by now.  You’re the P to our PSMM and so, thank you, dad.     

Thank you Shu, for being such a close friend.  I can tell you everything and you’ve never betrayed the secrets I’ve shared with you.  Especially that one secret I’d die if some people found out about.  I never have to censure myself with you and you’re probably the only person I let call me Maga.  You’re not always sweet with me, and you don’t always sugarcoat it and I mean it in the best of way.  You’re the S in our PSMM. 

Thank you Minh for being such a sweet person.  You always think of others before yourself and it’s something very rare nowadays.  I can’t believe how quickly we’ve bonded and that you’re such a sensitive soul.  I know you don’t always like to hear this, but you’re like this amazing big brother I never got to have.  You’re the M in our PSMM.   

Thank you Stefannie for being … simply amazing lol.  I don’t get to see you as often as I’d like, but every time I see you makes it all worthwhile.  You’re such a mature and strong presence in my life and yet you never make me feel bad about myself.  Whenever I feel bad/sad/upset/worried/happy/excited, I know I can call you and you’ll tell me what I need to hear.  That’s a priceless thing and so, thank you.  I guess you’re one reason my physics class with WILSON was worth it.  I don’t know if I told you, but I really admire your inner strength. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I really hope we'll stay friend for a very, very long time.    

Thank you Evelyne, for being THAT amazing.  You’re fun, funny, smart, an amazing musician, TALL, pretty AND you’re a great friend.  You’re too cool, I’d hate you if I didn’t love you so much lol.  You’re my favorite person to take pictures of (what can I say, my camera loves you) and to buy shoes with.  You’re part of the Sisterhood of Easter Converse, after all, and my profile pics would suck without you :P    

Thank you Timo, for being a great friend, although you do call me bitch more often than you call me Mag.  I do the same, so I guess it’s no problem.  We’ll probably duel each other someday, for the amazing Kovalev, but you’re always willing to hear my problems and you’re there for me when I need to talk about sad things.  I would not have survived physics and maths without you, so thank you.  Kovy is mine, bitch.                                 

Thank you Giao, for being there for me when I need MCDOOOO.  You truly understand the importance of Mcflurry to a balanced and happy life and that’s reason enough to keep you in my life.  You’re also an amazing friend, always willing to help me and give me advices.  We’ve suffered from a Organic-chemistry-induced depression together, and we pulled though, thank God.  Thanks for being Monkey G and Golden Arch gathering soon. 

Thank you Stephanie, for being such a cutie pie.  You’re a bit intense, and that’s great.  You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go for it.  I have to admit, I’m a big fan of yours: how can you be so smart?  Despite how serious you are about school, it’s nice to have a girly chat with you, where we talk about boys, what else?  I’m really happy I got to know you more this year, because you’re a really great friend. 

 Thank you K.P., for being… you I guess.  And for always answering my longer-than-long messages.  And for guessing the answer to my silly little riddles.  And for always calling me cute and making inappropriate comments about my height (or lack of it, whatever).  Ok, that one I could do without.  Thank you for wasting a bit of your time to reassure me on my possible psychological disorders or “troubles de somatisation”, whatever that is.  So… I’ve pretty much been stroking everyone’s ego and I don’t want you to feel left out so here it is: you’re funny, you’re super smart, you’re sweet and a bit crazy, which is always good and you’re a great friend. 

 Thank you Maxime-FRANÇOIS, for having such awesome blond hair.  And for living in ganster Outremont.  I guess I can overlook the fact that you use a NIKON (just kidding, I love Nikon) but seriously, you’re such a Canon snubber.  Maybe one day I’ll let you touch my Hasselblad.  Right after my father allows me to touch it myself lol.  Anyway, you’re a great friend, even though you’re a bit too tall for my tastes.       

  It’s pretty clear what my problem is: I’ve been spoilt for life.  My friends are too great, too amazing.  Life is a hassle, isn’t it?  

P.S. No your rank in that list does NOT reflect on your rank in my life and I've forgotten a lot of people, I know.  Sorry, love you all.